“Success is a science. If you have the conditions, you get the result.”
Oscar Wilde
I have a tendency to get grumpy on this subject so be warned! My observation is that all too many people expect success without doing the necessary work, first on the “self” and then on actually doing the work involved to succeed.
A quote from my book that radio interviewers often ask about is that “life is simple. This does not mean it is easy.” Preparing ourselves for success requires confronting, clearing, coming to terms with our past; learning to rigorously tell the truth about our current reality; and declaring a future freely chosen.
That kind of work on the “self,” while not easy, is powerful and rewarding.
With love and respect,
Robert
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Agreements – Keeping and Breaking
Part One
By Robert White
© 2005
Recently I’ve created circumstances where I chose to break agreements with several close friends. It has been, as difficult choices often provide, a challenging learning experience for me and put some very important relationships at risk.
Over the years no subject in our public and corporate seminars seems to have gathered as much “heat” as the making, keeping and breaking of agreements.
How many people do you know who consistently show up late for lunch or a meeting or whatever? How often do you show up late, even by a few minutes? A simple meeting for coffee, and you're ten minutes late – as usual. You give your usual feeble and mostly phony excuses, blaming the traffic or a meeting you couldn’t get out of, while the person you kept waiting nods approvingly that it's OK.
Unfortunately, it's not OK—and deep down you both know it.
People sometimes follow the same pattern around work projects, family promises, marital vows and many, many other areas where we make agreements.
There are prices to pay for those broken agreements, prices paid by you and prices paid by others. Every time you break an agreement you lose self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence, and you lose at least some of other people's trust in you. Every time you keep an agreement you increase these same valuable assets accordingly. It is just the way things are.
Let’s review some prices and rewards for breaking and keeping agreements:
Prices for breaking agreements
Lose trust from others
Destroy relationships
Lower self confidence
Damage self esteem
Undermine self respect
Create confusion, loss of clarity
Lower energy level
Rewards for keeping agreements
Gain trust from others
Build relationships
Increase self confidence
Raise self esteem
Enhance self respect
More clarity, focus
Higher energy level
Are some agreements less important?
Contrary to what many people think, there is no such thing as an unimportant broken agreement. There may be bigger external consequences for breaking some agreements than others—but there are no broken agreements without a price.
If you break your agreement to drive at or below the speed limit, and you hit another car and kill someone, the external consequences will be big.
If you tell your daughter you’re coming to her soccer game and then don’t show up, even though there are no apparent external consequences, you still pay an automatic price. You’ve inevitably lost some of your daughter’s trust in you, you’ve damaged her self esteem and your own, you’ve undermined the respect she has for you as a parent, and your relationship is a little less close. Break your agreements with your daughter enough times and you’ll do serious damage to your relationship. Broken agreements and the resulting deterioration of trust destroy many marriages, friendships, and family ties.
Broken agreements always hurt other people. Every time you break an agreement with your children, there’s some pain created and usually suppressed. And what do you think your children then decide about themselves? The same thing you or I or anybody would decide: that they must not be worth very much if their own parent couldn't be bothered to keep their agreements. Self-worth suffers. Broken agreements are a lose/lose game. Nobody wins; everybody suffers.
Breaking agreements with others is bad enough. Breaking agreements with yourself can be even more damaging. Because agreements with yourself are often private promises that only you know about, they are that much easier to break. Hey, make an agreement with yourself to lose weight or stop smoking or get up early and exercise and you can break it any old time. Nobody knows. Well, not quite nobody. You know.
I keep all my agreements–so I’m in the clear here, right?
If you are an obsessive/compulsive agreement keeper, does that mean your life will work infinitely better? No, it won’t. What keeping your agreements can do is to clear the fog of confusion, and allow you to see more clearly what’s working in your life, and what is not.
Keeping your agreements with yourself and other people is a positive way to live. And remember: there is no universal law on agreement keeping – just consequences. So don’t get angry and upset and become a victim when you keep your agreements and other people didn’t keep theirs.
It simply works when you deliver work on the date you promised it. It works to keep your marriage or relationship agreements. It works to match your behavior to your promises.
My personal “take” from being exposed to these ideas for over thirty years is to make few agreements and keep the ones I make. Observing myself and others tells me that agreements are made too casually and usually for purposes like being liked or avoiding criticism or delaying a problem hoping there will be some miracle before the agreement falls due.
We all know people who never break agreements, create terrible results in life and make everyone around them crazy. We also know people who break lots of agreements and generate mistrust.
Are there circumstances when it alright to break agreements?
In the real world outside a seminar room or ashram, YES. Of course there are prices and rewards for broken agreements, just like there are for keeping them. However, the world and human existence are fluid, changing entities. That’s the world we live in and the world in which all accomplishment takes place.
Our Extraordinary Action steps will include my suggestions for those times when you need to break an agreement. Read on!
EXTRAORDINARY LIVING ACTION STEPS
A quick review on agreements:
Make fewer agreements and keep the ones you make!
When you must break an agreement ….
• communicate your decision to break the agreement clearly, specifically, and directly with anyone affected even indirectly by the decision.
• deliver the broken agreement communication without righteousness, defensiveness, shame or guilt. Adding your emotional charge tends to call forth an equally emotional response.
• know that you’re going to pay a price in terms of reduced trust and credibility – thus the needs for # 1 and # 2 being handled with the clear intention to take responsibility and “clean things up.”
• Commit to not repeating the practice. You’ll be watched with new awareness by all involved and judged purely on your results with keeping future agreements.
When you get right down to it, you word is all you've got. Beyond your word there is nothing; no basis for trust and no foundation for self-worth. Keep your word and you enjoy the trust and respect of others. And you'll find the automatic by-product is that you trust and respect yourself more and more every day.
By Robert White
© 2005
Recently I’ve created circumstances where I chose to break agreements with several close friends. It has been, as difficult choices often provide, a challenging learning experience for me and put some very important relationships at risk.
Over the years no subject in our public and corporate seminars seems to have gathered as much “heat” as the making, keeping and breaking of agreements.
How many people do you know who consistently show up late for lunch or a meeting or whatever? How often do you show up late, even by a few minutes? A simple meeting for coffee, and you're ten minutes late – as usual. You give your usual feeble and mostly phony excuses, blaming the traffic or a meeting you couldn’t get out of, while the person you kept waiting nods approvingly that it's OK.
Unfortunately, it's not OK—and deep down you both know it.
People sometimes follow the same pattern around work projects, family promises, marital vows and many, many other areas where we make agreements.
There are prices to pay for those broken agreements, prices paid by you and prices paid by others. Every time you break an agreement you lose self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence, and you lose at least some of other people's trust in you. Every time you keep an agreement you increase these same valuable assets accordingly. It is just the way things are.
Let’s review some prices and rewards for breaking and keeping agreements:
Prices for breaking agreements
Lose trust from others
Destroy relationships
Lower self confidence
Damage self esteem
Undermine self respect
Create confusion, loss of clarity
Lower energy level
Rewards for keeping agreements
Gain trust from others
Build relationships
Increase self confidence
Raise self esteem
Enhance self respect
More clarity, focus
Higher energy level
Are some agreements less important?
Contrary to what many people think, there is no such thing as an unimportant broken agreement. There may be bigger external consequences for breaking some agreements than others—but there are no broken agreements without a price.
If you break your agreement to drive at or below the speed limit, and you hit another car and kill someone, the external consequences will be big.
If you tell your daughter you’re coming to her soccer game and then don’t show up, even though there are no apparent external consequences, you still pay an automatic price. You’ve inevitably lost some of your daughter’s trust in you, you’ve damaged her self esteem and your own, you’ve undermined the respect she has for you as a parent, and your relationship is a little less close. Break your agreements with your daughter enough times and you’ll do serious damage to your relationship. Broken agreements and the resulting deterioration of trust destroy many marriages, friendships, and family ties.
Broken agreements always hurt other people. Every time you break an agreement with your children, there’s some pain created and usually suppressed. And what do you think your children then decide about themselves? The same thing you or I or anybody would decide: that they must not be worth very much if their own parent couldn't be bothered to keep their agreements. Self-worth suffers. Broken agreements are a lose/lose game. Nobody wins; everybody suffers.
Breaking agreements with others is bad enough. Breaking agreements with yourself can be even more damaging. Because agreements with yourself are often private promises that only you know about, they are that much easier to break. Hey, make an agreement with yourself to lose weight or stop smoking or get up early and exercise and you can break it any old time. Nobody knows. Well, not quite nobody. You know.
I keep all my agreements–so I’m in the clear here, right?
If you are an obsessive/compulsive agreement keeper, does that mean your life will work infinitely better? No, it won’t. What keeping your agreements can do is to clear the fog of confusion, and allow you to see more clearly what’s working in your life, and what is not.
Keeping your agreements with yourself and other people is a positive way to live. And remember: there is no universal law on agreement keeping – just consequences. So don’t get angry and upset and become a victim when you keep your agreements and other people didn’t keep theirs.
It simply works when you deliver work on the date you promised it. It works to keep your marriage or relationship agreements. It works to match your behavior to your promises.
My personal “take” from being exposed to these ideas for over thirty years is to make few agreements and keep the ones I make. Observing myself and others tells me that agreements are made too casually and usually for purposes like being liked or avoiding criticism or delaying a problem hoping there will be some miracle before the agreement falls due.
We all know people who never break agreements, create terrible results in life and make everyone around them crazy. We also know people who break lots of agreements and generate mistrust.
Are there circumstances when it alright to break agreements?
In the real world outside a seminar room or ashram, YES. Of course there are prices and rewards for broken agreements, just like there are for keeping them. However, the world and human existence are fluid, changing entities. That’s the world we live in and the world in which all accomplishment takes place.
Our Extraordinary Action steps will include my suggestions for those times when you need to break an agreement. Read on!
EXTRAORDINARY LIVING ACTION STEPS
A quick review on agreements:
Make fewer agreements and keep the ones you make!
When you must break an agreement ….
• communicate your decision to break the agreement clearly, specifically, and directly with anyone affected even indirectly by the decision.
• deliver the broken agreement communication without righteousness, defensiveness, shame or guilt. Adding your emotional charge tends to call forth an equally emotional response.
• know that you’re going to pay a price in terms of reduced trust and credibility – thus the needs for # 1 and # 2 being handled with the clear intention to take responsibility and “clean things up.”
• Commit to not repeating the practice. You’ll be watched with new awareness by all involved and judged purely on your results with keeping future agreements.
When you get right down to it, you word is all you've got. Beyond your word there is nothing; no basis for trust and no foundation for self-worth. Keep your word and you enjoy the trust and respect of others. And you'll find the automatic by-product is that you trust and respect yourself more and more every day.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Investing In You !!!
"An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."
Benjamin Franklin
Once again I can be accused of being self-serving with this selection—given that I enthusiastically promote our seminars!
Additionally, the cowboy philosophy offers, “never ask a barber if you need a haircut.”
Enough of that prattle. Dr. Ben’s point is appropriate and powerful. The rapid rate of change in families, friendships organizations and communities requires continuing education. What’s your personal learning plan for 2008 and beyond?
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
P. S. There’s still time to register for our Extraordinary Living Seminar in Denver this Friday, May 16-18. And, please put the next date in your calendar: August 1-3, 2008.
Benjamin Franklin
Once again I can be accused of being self-serving with this selection—given that I enthusiastically promote our seminars!
Additionally, the cowboy philosophy offers, “never ask a barber if you need a haircut.”
Enough of that prattle. Dr. Ben’s point is appropriate and powerful. The rapid rate of change in families, friendships organizations and communities requires continuing education. What’s your personal learning plan for 2008 and beyond?
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
P. S. There’s still time to register for our Extraordinary Living Seminar in Denver this Friday, May 16-18. And, please put the next date in your calendar: August 1-3, 2008.
Are you "burning brightly?"
"I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no `brief candle' to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations."
George Bernard Shaw
Occasionally I share one of these quotes and I am so humbled by the power and grace of the words that I’m speechless. This is one of those times.
If I could “live from” these words consistently, powerfully and with a loving heart, I’d consider my time here on earth worthwhile.
How about you?
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
George Bernard Shaw
Occasionally I share one of these quotes and I am so humbled by the power and grace of the words that I’m speechless. This is one of those times.
If I could “live from” these words consistently, powerfully and with a loving heart, I’d consider my time here on earth worthwhile.
How about you?
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The Greatest Love of All
“‘The greatest love of all is happening to me...’ So goes the popular song. It's a great song. It speaks to the heart, and deeply. It strikes powerfully to uplift the human spirit, at the quest for self-love and self-esteem, the pride in being alive that each of us is entitled to experience simply by being born a human being.”
from “Living an Extraordinary Life”
by Robert White
I promised to “lighten up” this week. How’s the above?
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
Saturday, April 12, 2008
How Important is Authenticity?
(Representative Men was Ralph Waldo Emerson's 1850 phrase for the great men in a democracy”.)
“Is there some common quality among these Representative Men who have been most successful as our leaders? I call it the need to be authentic—or, as our dictionaries tell us, conforming to fact and therefore worthy of trust, reliance or belief. While the charismatic has an uncanny outside source of strength, the authentic is strong because he is what he seems to be.”
Daniel J. Boorstin
Here in the USA we are overwhelmed with communications about our coming presidential election. Hopefully we’ll not get so fatigued by the claims and counterclaims of leadership excellence that we tune out.
Perhaps of more lasting importance to you and me is the societal shift that calls for each of us to express more leadership in our families, organizations and in our communities.
And whether it is in evaluating a political candidate or setting a standard for ourselves in a leadership role, Boorstin’s counsel is wise: is the candidate what “he (or she) seems to be?” Are we gaining our strength from acting consistent with what we profess to be?
Tough questions, I know. Perhaps next week I’ll lighten up a bit.
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
An Extraordinary Minute -- Churchill at his Finest
“Never give in - never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”
Sir Winston Churchill
This pithy communication is reported to have been the entire text of a speech Sir Winston once gave at a commencement ceremony.
Clearly, in England’s time of greatest need for leadership during World War II, Winston Churchill communicated a stand for “honour and good sense” and never giving in.
Of course, we need to have a purpose noble and compelling enough to summon this kind of stand, this expression of courage. Once we discover it and claim it for our own, all that remains is total commitment, to never, never, never, never...Give in.
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
Sir Winston Churchill
This pithy communication is reported to have been the entire text of a speech Sir Winston once gave at a commencement ceremony.
Clearly, in England’s time of greatest need for leadership during World War II, Winston Churchill communicated a stand for “honour and good sense” and never giving in.
Of course, we need to have a purpose noble and compelling enough to summon this kind of stand, this expression of courage. Once we discover it and claim it for our own, all that remains is total commitment, to never, never, never, never...Give in.
Offered with love and respect,
Robert
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Which Seminar Will Support the Creation of Your Extraordinary Life?
Over the years, I've observed that people's desire for personal growth and development springs from two broad categories of motivation:
1. they are on a "growing edge," an awakened desire to accomplish something personally or professionally that their prior education and experience hasn't adequately prepared them for; or
2. they feel stuck in some pattern of thinking or reacting that is not producing the results they want in life. Perhaps they're experiencing unsatisfactory relationships with family, friends or colleagues; perhaps they have problems in their career or with their business results; perhaps they're struggling financially; examples of the "wrecks or near wrecks" that occur in life.
1. they are on a "growing edge," an awakened desire to accomplish something personally or professionally that their prior education and experience hasn't adequately prepared them for; or
2. they feel stuck in some pattern of thinking or reacting that is not producing the results they want in life. Perhaps they're experiencing unsatisfactory relationships with family, friends or colleagues; perhaps they have problems in their career or with their business results; perhaps they're struggling financially; examples of the "wrecks or near wrecks" that occur in life.
With the ever increasing pace of change impacting our personal and professionals lives, many of us are turning to books and other media, seminars and life coaching for more enlightened and effective answers.
If I can help you make better informed and more effective choices that support you in your personal development planning and actions, it would be my great pleasure.
Of course, like the cowboy philosopher Will Rogers said, "Never ask a barber if you need a haircut!" I'm always going to be advocating for you to jump in, read that book, hire that coach and do that seminar--especially if it is one of ours!
This first post lists and talks about a group of high-impact experiential learning events that I'm most familiar with and that I mostly recommend. I'd love it if you could add to the list along with your recommendations.
With love and respect,
Robert
Several friends have asked me to "be critical" in a review of their latest book or recorded program or seminar. It's a real problem for me: I want to contribute and support them; yet, my "wiring" is so critical (often a problem in all my relationships) and I fear damage to our friendship when I'm being honest and direct.
The following "quick hits" are offered in the context of me being hyper critical and I'll do my best to keep the tone upbeat and respectful ... while still honoring the reality that I actually do know a bit about this material. Read my bio (which, of course, is laudatory because I wrote it) and notice that I've founded and led companies that have graduated over 1 million people from high impact experiential learning events. (LifeSpring, ARC International/Life Dynamics and Extraordinary People) I've also attended many other programs and will identify those in my comments below.
Your feedback is sincerely appreciated and will guide the future of this site. Here goes .....
The following programs are derived directly and indirectly from a training methodology often referred to as the "LifeSpring Model" ... details and recommendations below
Extraordinary People http://www.ExtraordinarySeminar.com
PSI Seminars http://www.psiseminars.com/
Context Associated (The More Course) http://www.morecourse.com
Asia Works http://www.asiaworkstraining.com/
CSA Europe http://www.csaeurope.com/
Insight http://www.insightseminars.org/
Pathways http://www.pathwaysseminars.com/
Resource Realizations http://www.resourcerealizations.com/
Worldworks http://worldworksinc.com/index.php
Next Step Asia http://www.nextstepasia.com/
Summit Education http://www.summiteducation.com/
ChoiceCenter http://www.choicecenter.net/
With well over a million and perhaps two million graduates over the past 30 years, this highly interactive learning experience model has proven a success experience for many people.
WHAT YOU'LL LIKE: Usually very strong in having participants actually experience what's true for them around relationships, personal responsibility, intentionality, their core values, life vision and much, much more. Common feedback after the experience is "the seminar changed my life and I would have paid ten times the tuition for it."
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE: You must come to the seminar prepared to participate--these seminars are not academic, you'll need to "jump in" to get maximum value. Also, most (not all) of the above companies expand their business by asking you, the satisfied graduate, to introduce and refer your friends to the seminar.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR: Talk to recent graduates about the quality of the seminar experience and did the seminar make a real difference in their lives; whether the seminar leader/trainer was respectful and coherent; and how much pressure is being applied for additional enrollments. While it is not an issue for me, you need to be comfortable with all of that to get maximum value.
ROBERT'S RECOMMENDATIONS: No shyness here ... I work hard to have our Extraordinary Seminars be the very best experience for the maximum number of people. You can learn more and even register at:
http://www.ExtraordinarySeminar.com
That said, I recently audited an Insight 1 seminar led by Joe Hubbard and consider it absolutely first class in content and delivery. I also know the people behind the Summit Education company and their Trainers--based on my "knowing" of them, you can expect a great experience there also.
In my next post, I'll list some more approaches to accelerated learning and personal development. Remember, your input is needed and wanted!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
